


The Fear of Wolves

by thevalesofanduin



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, I swear to God, M/M, These two dorks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 21:31:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8816890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thevalesofanduin/pseuds/thevalesofanduin
Summary: “If you are scared of the wolves, stay out of the forest is what my Nan told me. I didn’t quite listen to her advice.”
“What? Christ, Bones you’ve been scared of space since you were a kid? Why are you even here?”
“It’s because of you, Jim. I’m here because you give me the courage to be here.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> So my first fic for this fandom and this pairing... Loved writing it and hope everyone enjoys it <3

He remembers humid summer evenings in Georgia.

Sitting on the wooden porch at the legs of his Nan’s rocking chair, one of her hands in his hair and both their eyes on the starry sky above them.

One night he finds himself wondering: “What is space like?”

His Nan chuckles, a finger curling around a strand of hair. “I wouldn’t know, darling.”

Leonard considers what his nine year-old brain knows about space for a moment. Then, his voice soft and slightly haunted he mumbles: “It seems so big and terrifying.”

“Yes, there are a lot of unknowns in space. But that’s the same here.”

“But,” a light panic creeps into Leonard’s voice, wide eyes turning to his grandmother and his hands are clenched into fists in his lap. “Space is different. Endless. People –”

“Leonard, darling, don’t panic.” His grandmother’s voice is amused and affectionate as she interrupts him. Her hand falls down to his cheek as she smiles. “Your grandfather used to say that if you are scared of the wolves you should stay out of the forest.” Her smile turns wistful for a moment and she sighs. “A smart man, your grandfather and he’s right. If the unknown of space scares you just don’t go to space.”

For a moment Leonard doesn’t say anything and then a shy, small smile finds its way to his lips. “But I can still watch the stars right?”

“Of course, darling.” His Nan turns her eyes back to the stars and her hand is back in his hair. “Of course.”

 

\---

 

Yet here Leonard is, scotch in hand and staring out into the void that is space. Kept on his feet not by the core of the earth but with the help of artificial gravity.

His Nan would turn in her grave if she knew.

She’d turn in her grave if she knew many of the things he’d gone through, he guesses and with a sigh takes a large sip of his scotch.

He loved his grandmother dearly but is forever grateful she passed away before the divorce. Before the depression, the drinking and the decision that he's got nothing left on Earth so why not give space a try? 

Even to him, signing up with Starfleet had felt line a death sentence considering how much he loathed space. It scares him still. The void that's as beautiful as it is haunting. The unknown that others find intriguing makes his blood run cold both as a Doctor and a man, too often thinking back to that conversation so many years ago.

"And here I am." He raises his glass to the window.

A toast to space.

And it's all because of one man.

"Here we are indeed."

Leonard doesn't jump but it's a close call. But he knew he'd be interrupted.

Jim Kirk always finds a way to appear whenever Leonard's thoughts stray to him, Leonard thinks with a small smile that's more affectionate than he'd normally allow.

"What?" Jim is frowning at him, but he looks happy. Relaxed.

Finally after everything that happened - Khan, Krall, rebuilding the Enterprise and going back into space - Jim finally seems at ease within his own skin again and that, in turn, calms Leonard. Grounds him in a way gravity - artificial or not - never can.

When Jim is happy, he is happy.

He wonders fleetingly what his Nan would've thought of that.

"Nothing, Kid. Get yourself a drink." Leonard offers as he always does.

They're drinking buddies, sometimes they're each other's therapist but most of the time they're Bones and Jim sharing a friendship either of them would die for.

If only it could be more than that, Leonard thinks wistfully and drowns the thought in another sip of his drink.

Jim pours himself a drink and joins Leonard in front of the window, curiously turning his head to his friend. “What were you thinking of?”

“A conversation I had with my Nan a long time ago.” Leonard shares with a small smile.

Jim chuckles and teasingly bumps his shoulder against Leonard’s. “I wonder what a young Bones talked about with his grandma.”

“On this occasion it was actually space.” Leonard says, fondly thinking back to all topics he’s discussed with his late grandmother.

“Oh?” Jim raises an eyebrow at Leonard, taking a sip of his drink and silently urging to other to elaborate.

“Back then, I thought it was frightening. Well, not that it changed much…” Leonard finds himself saying without even realizing it. It’s not something he wanted to share, especially not with Jim who seems to like space so much. 

But there the ugly truth is nonetheless.

Leonard McCoy is terrified of space, the one thing he’s surrounded by at all times now.

“Bones…” Jim mumbles, putting down his drink and visibly taken aback by the statement as a sad look passes through his eyes.

“If you’re scared of the wolves, stay out of the forest is what she told me. I didn’t quite listen to her advice.” He laughs and it’s more bitter than he’d expected, raking his free hand through his hair. He’s not looking at Jim, keeping his eyes fixed on the darkness in front of him because he doesn’t want to see the other’s expression. Can’t bear to see the resignation and sadness on that beautiful face because it’s not that he’s unhappy here.

Far from it.

“What? Christ, Bones you’ve been scared of space since you were a kid?” Jim’s eyes are wide and he turns so he’s fully facing his friend. He has an expression on his face that might be devastation and his voice is down to a whisper when he questions: “Why are you even here?”

Leonard’s heart clenches at the question. At Jim’s expression because he knows the idiot is currently thinking that Leonard’s here against his will. That he hates being on the Enterprise – overcoming his fear of space every day, with his friends, with Jim. Because Jim’s not asking about why Leonard went to the Academy. He’s had a front-row seat to the shit-show that was Leonard’s life back then and probably realized long before Leonard did that that was what he needed.

No, Leonard guesses that his _“five years in space, God help me,”_ suddenly received some added weight. Like somehow Jim had always thought it to be a joke. Which Leonard had meant it to be, but still underneath it all is the truth that every day he wakes and hopes some space disaster won’t end up killing him – or Jim, please not Jim even though he’s asking for it more often than not.

But that doesn’t mean he hates it. 

How could he?

He wouldn’t be half the man he is today if it wasn’t for space. For the man standing next to him who has pushed and prodded him further than he ever thought he’d go.

Physically in distance and emotionally, although Jim is only aware of one of these two facts.

_Perhaps that needs to change_

It’s a small voice in the back of Leonard’s head. One he’s used to, one that speaks up every now and then to remind him that he can have Jim if only he speaks up. Unless, of course, he’s read all the signs wrong. And that is just why he never says anything. Because another few years in space with Jim distancing himself from him will leave him worse than Jocelyn ever left him.

But Jim is looking at him with a frown and an overwhelming amount of worry, hesitation and care in those stunning blue eyes. And when he reaches out, curls his fingers comfortably around Leonard’s shoulder – as if they belong there – and with a small voice that’s filled with insecurity and heartbreak whispers “Leonard?” all of Leonard’s walls break down.

Jim’s hand falls off of his shoulder as Leonard sets his glass down on the bar next to him – because his hands are shaking . He avoids looking at Jim because he’s not good at this, not good with his emotions. He can only hope that Jim will be careful with the heart Leonard is currently pouring out right in the palms of his hands.

“It’s because of you, Jim.” Leonard dares a glance at Jim and is caught by shocked, wide eyes and a flush that’s slowly settling on the other’s cheeks. But what’s most breath-taking is the hope that grows in the depths of those blue eyes and the nervous smile that blooms on Jim’s lips when he catches Leonard’s hesitant gaze.

Maybe, Leonard thinks, his heart is safe after all.

“I’m here because you give me the courage to be here.” He doesn’t know the last time he spoke so softly, so carefully yet with so much affection. Nor does he quite realize that he’s turning to Jim and that Jim’s moving closer as well, the both of them seeming to pull together as if they’re planets revolving around each other. “I’m afraid of space because that’s logical. It’s the big unknown and I’ve seen people… seen you hurt by it far more often than I’d like. But no matter what happens or how often you get hurt, you keep going. So why shouldn’t I?” He allows an almost shy smile to slide over his lips as their hands brush. “I could’ve stayed behind and I could’ve been a coward but then my life wouldn’t be half as exciting as it is now. I wouldn’t learn new things, I wouldn’t have met the crew… And you, Jim. How dull my life would be without you in it.”

There is a moment of silence between them during which they seem to breathlessly stare at one another. Leonard’s heart is in his throat, his nerves are thrumming through his body and he feels so afraid.

But then within a second Jim is in his space, has his hands on his cheeks, in his hair and he’s pressing his lips to Leonard’s in a desperate kiss.

It takes Leonard’s brain a moment to realize that this is real, _it’s happening_ , Jim is kissing him. 

And it’s all he’d dreamt off and more with Jim pouring so much happiness, need and love into the kiss. With Jim’s fingers holding Leonard so close his fingers are almost digging into his cheek and his body so, so close that he can feel Jim’s body heat.

Leonard loves it.

Isn’t in a better state himself as his arms find their way to Jim’s hips, pulling him closer and closer because finally they’re kissing and it feels as if it’s the last thing he’ll ever do.

They share harsh breaths and soft moans between each other, the kiss slowing down eventually to something more tender. Something that’s less desperate and more loving. It’s enchanting and terrifying both at the same time and despite the fact that it feels comfortable because they know each other, Leonard still feels emotionally naked.

But this is Jim and when the kiss breaks he leans his forehead against Leonard’s with a star struck expression in his face and the happiest, goofiest smile on his lips. “I love you too, Bones.”

Leonard can only grin, heart fluttering in his chest and there’s nothing he can do to stop himself from leaning forward and kissing Jim again.

He’s certain that despite not listening to her advice, his Nan is happy for him. For not losing himself, for conquering his fears and for finding love. After all, his happiness was all she ever wanted for him.


End file.
